these days...

Oh, man, you guys, these days lately have just been moving so quickly. I'm finding it really difficult to believe that I'm almost finished with my first year of college. I mean, can you believe it!? I do not, in any way shape or form, feel old enough for this. Add in the fact that I signed a lease for an apartment last week, and I just feel too young for this to actually be my life.

I would say that everything's been absolutely crazy, but that's not necessarily true. I mean, yes, I have spent the last two days in the library studying for my Anthropology exam that's tomorrow, but honestly there really isn't any excuse for me not posting on here more. What it is, though, is that I just haven't had anything that I wanted to share here lately. There has been nothing in my life that I felt needed to be put into paragraphs that aren't in my journals. I suppose that my mind has been other places, not wanting to focus on any one thing for too long. I haven't finished a book for about a month, not even one that I've read before; I just can't keep my head in one place enough to complete one.

Something that has been on my mind is how much I want to love someone. I know, that sounds so cliché, but it's something that I want and it's the only thing I can't take my mind off of. That's what happens, I suppose, when you spend the majority of your time watching sappy love movies & tv shows. This is probably not a good thing, but I can't not, you know?

Overall, I have to say that things have been alright in my life. I got to see my sister (and her husband!) twice this weekend, which was super great, because I haven't seen them in way too long, since they moved to South Carolina. But I got to have lunch & coffee with them on Friday with some of my friends as well, and then again today! I just love and miss them so, so much. Also, there's the fact that I get to go back home soon; on Friday evening my parents are comin' down to get me and move me out of my dorm. I just need to get through the next five days, which is definitely doable. Most definitely. When I get home is a whole other matter, though, because then I have to look for a job. Major bummer.

I'm pretty sure this is all for now, but I will be catching you guys up more often once finals week is over & I'm home for the summer. Hopefully there will be more adventures and things, because god knows I sure do need some. My life is so goddamn boring, and I'm trying to work on fixing that.

I hope y'all are doing well and that you're getting everything you need outta life. Stay golden, Ponyboy.

<3

things to remember

Last night I posted this picture to my Instagram, tumblr & Facebook profiles. For reasons that I will explain, I put aside so many of my insecurities and just things that I've been keeping to myself to put this up because I think that these are things that everyone needs to know & remember.

In light of recent events in Boston, I was reading everything that people were posting about the fact that even though something absolutely horrid happened that was caused by one (possibly more than one) person, there were still an amazingly high number of people that were & are helping out. Giving power for people to charge their phones, giving blood for the incredible number of people who were injured in the explosions, etc. It's important to remember in every bad situation that has happened, and may happen in the future, that even though one person caused that situation doesn't mean the entire world is an absolutely horrid place. The actions of one person does not decide the actions of the rest of the world; in fact, the actions of one person may inspire the world to lend a helping hand in whatever the person did.

Throughout my life, I have had pretty low self-esteem. I felt like I was fat and I always compared how I looked to how other's looked, how I thought I was "supposed" to look. So, yesterday I got a letter from one of my pen pals, Codi, and she was writing to me about love and all of the complications that come with it, and just the amount of time you have to spend getting to know & love yourself before you can fully love someone else and have a real & good relationship with them. And the way she phrased everything just made me stop and think: because I want love so badly, should I really forsake feeling good about & loving myself just to love someone else? In the end, you are the only person you have; everyone else is temporary. So writing that down & posting it makes it feel like more of a statement and a commitment that I have to and want to keep.

(Okay, so yesterday was just an all around interesting day, because) I watched a video that Dove posted on their website. (You can find the video: here.) They hired an FBI trained forensic artist that sketched what women described themselves as looking like, and then also sketched what random strangers described them as looking like. This video really, really stuck with me, because it goes right along with trying to find myself beautiful & my self-esteem issues. The entire point of this video, is that, inevitably, you will not see yourself as as beautiful as others will. And that makes me really sad for all of the incredibly beautiful women & men, too, that I have the honor of knowing, because they can't really see just how beautiful they are. So it's an important thing to know that you are beautiful, even if you don't necessarily see yourself that way, because someone does see you that way.

"no one is 100% okay
(AND THAT'S OKAY)" is something that I have come to understand recently. It's always good to remember that nothing is as it seems, especially when it comes to how people look or even act. People hide behind the walls that they built because it's too painful for them not to. People shield themselves to prevent future pain. So whenever you see someone that seems to have it all under control, stop for a moment before you feel jealous of them and then insecure about you, and remember that they are fighting their own private battles.

To remember that I am loved is actually one of the most difficult things in my life. The only times I really think that I'm loved is when I'm with my family, or when people are actually showing me or telling me that they love me. However, when I'm alone in my room or feeling sad & can't really get any words out, that's when I need the reminder. And the thing is, I am loved. I have so many phenomenal people in my life that I don't know what I would do without, but there are just moments. Moments when I'm hearing nothing from the friends that I miss the most or from the people who I think I'm the closest with and really want to hang out with, and I just don't do anything because I'm too scared that I'll be bothering them and they won't want to hang out with me anyway. Sometimes, though, you just have to move past that and reach out, because it's possible that the people that you miss will miss you too, and the reminder that you love them will be much, much appreciated.

This last one, I feel, is probably the most important thing. Last week I watched two videos. One was by Meekakitty (link: here), called "On Empathy // RE: On Being Ugly", which was a video response to a video by karakamos (link: here), called "On Being Ugly". These are two very emotional, powerful and inspiring videos that I'm very, very glad that I watched. The main point that stuck with me throughout watching both of them, is what I wrote in the list above:
"it's not about telling someone they're beautiful when they say they aren't
(IT'S ABOUT UNDERSTANDING & TELLING THEM YOU UNDERSTAND & BEING THERE FOR THEM)"
This is possibly the truest statement I have ever heard. When I was talking to one of my friends last week, I was commenting on the fact that there is fat over where "abs" should be, and she immediately said, "Tess, you're not fat!" I was not saying that I was fat, I was merely stating the fact that there is fat on my body, and more than I want there to be. Just telling someone that they are beautiful when they say they aren't does not actually help at all. What helps more is making sure the person knows that you understand and that you're there for them, because that's pretty much all they want. Or at least, that's what I want.

This is an obscenely long post, but I hope it helped at least some of you. I hope you (whoever is reading this) are doing well, because I sincerely think that you deserve to be.

<3

yet another absence

Hey, guys.

Lately, things have just been crazy in all sorts of ways. Looking for an apartment for next year, homework, attempts at socializing, etc. But mostly I think the reason for my absence has been a lack of things to say. I feel as though everyone around me, or at least most people, has something to say, something to add to every conversation. But I just don't. I've never been good at piping up in conversations, even in ones that are about me. Do you know what I mean? 

Today, though, I received a package from one of my favorite human beings, Codi Ann, which, in addition to a letter, included this month's 'What's Mine Is Yours' book. A lot of the things written in this book, I didn't even know I was feeling. Since I got it today, I haven't finished reading it all, but I've read a fair amount of it. After reading several pages, I texted her saying, "I don't understand how you know what's in my brain, what I'm feeling, before I do." And then in another message a few minutes later, I said "...It's like you have preordered what's in my brain & it's arrived to you early." The things that she writes just hit so close to home, sometimes it's hard to think about. (This lady is so wise beyond her years, I don't think you'd believe me if I told you how old she is.)

Honestly, I'm not quite sure what exactly the point of this post was. I guess I just wanted to make sure you knew I was still alive, so here we are. I promise that the next post I make will be within this month (maybe even the week, we'll see!), and will be better than this. 

I hope you all are doing well, because you deserve to be. Ask anyone. 

<3

renovations (oh my god)

Pretty soon, on Sunday night, I will be back in Richmond, getting ready to continue on with my second semester of my first year of college. However, right this moment, I am sitting in the bedroom I have slept in since the end of the summer before the seventh grade. Pretty much everything about those two sentences blows my mind & I can't even fathom how time is moving so quickly. But things around my house are getting insane, because of the fact that there are some pretty bit renovations going on that began the Monday after I got home. 

What's happening:

• Moving our kitchen to where our back porch/mudroom used to be & making it bigger
• Making a new entrance from the back of the house
• Adding a larger back porch & stairs (which means extending the roof out a little) up to the back door
• Making the 1st floor bathroom into two bathrooms-- one connected to my parents' room, so they can have a private bathroom, & a powder room for guests
• Making the coat closet currently next to the 1st floor bathroom into what will hold our washer & dryer

Now, there used to be even more things that were going to happen, like moving the front entrance, making a bay window, creating a new hallway, ripping out another wall, creating more open space, etc., but that was crazy expensive, so my parents decided against those changes. Something that doesn't make sense to anyone, though, including myself, is that I was disappointed in those above changes getting cut out. I am not the biggest fan of change. In fact, it pretty much terrifies me. However, I really liked what was going to happen to the front of the house! I was all for moving the entrance, because it made it so that we could build a bay window (and let it be known that I LOVE bay windows). I mean, a BAY WINDOW! (I don't know when I'll get over that that isn't going to happen...) 

Anyhow, we are still in the first week of construction, which there is said to be three months of. Even so, I feel like a lot has happened! On just the second day, our back porch/mudroom was gone. Like, all that was left was a platform. Insanity! Then, on Thursday, there wasn't even a platform; just some dirt where everything used to be. Today, they dug a trench, kind of, to get ready to prepare a new foundation (I feel like I'm just making this up, but some of it makes sense in my head) for the new kitchen. 

Okay. Now. We've been focusing on what's going on on the outside of the house for a while, so let's talk about how the inside is doing. The day after I got home (last Saturday), was pretty much moving day. Me and my dad moved three bookshelves out into a mobile storage unit called a PackRat to be stored while everything was going on. And let me tell you, that was no easy task; one of them was metal & also being brought up from the basement! So that day was a lot of moving things around and me not wanting to move anything just out of pure laziness. But either way, this is how things ended up: Refrigerator in the living room, pantry cabinet in the dining room, kitchen in the laundry room which is in the basement, and computers moved to the upstairs hallway (they previously were in the mudroom). There was a lot of the removing and moving kitchen cabinets and drawers. Writing it all out like that makes it seem somewhat organized, but I swear to you that it isn't. Whenever we are looking for something, it is almost certain that we can't find it, even if we just set it down. In addition, however, there is also a lot of finding. In moving one of the kitchen drawer/shelf unit thingies, were a lot of papers that were thought to be long gone. 

But...yeah. Things are hectic here, but don't worry! We can expect that they get a lot worse when the renovations start moving inside to my parents' room & they have to move into the spare room upstairs. All of us sharing a bathroom, what joys! 

Well, I hope things are less crazy wherever you guys are. And I hope that you're happy and stuff. 

My inability to move on from previous hurt is preventing me from fully living and enjoying my life. These words are what came from the news that I learned today, that the guy I have not been able to get past for all of these many, many months has moved on. These words came after the tears on the drive home and the worry of looking ridiculous & pathetic. These words are inspired, somewhat, by the over 100 poems written by my mother in her youth in a folder currently sitting on the floor next to my bedside table. I just hope that, way in the future, my kids never have to feel this kind of heartache.

train station love story

Train stations have a romance about them. Especially the really intricately designed & detailed ones. The ones with the Roman Numerals on the clock and Corinthian columns. Anyone can create a building that looks like a cinder block, but it's the ones that make you stare that cause you to think about the romance of them. I mean, think about it: They are the beginning of a journey, and not just a physical one. Sitting in a train station alone with a journal or a sketchbook can be one of the greatest things. And then you spot someone.

He's just about the most beautiful person you've ever seen, and he's sitting across the many tables and chairs which are only occasionally occupied. You're looking at him, and in that instant you have that feeling that you need to know him. No matter what. He's reading or writing in his own journal, and for some reason he looks up and his eyes land directly on you. A small smile starts across his face; you look back down, feeling your face heat up and turn red. Glancing back up, you see that he's gone back to what he was doing. Feeling a bit disappointed, you do the same. After a few minutes, he just closes his book and starts to pack up. You look up and think that he's leaving, and suddenly your heart starts aching, thinking you've missed your chance. He's standing up, putting his backpack on his shoulders, and all of a sudden he's walking toward you.

You see his feet making their way to where you are, getting closer & closer. Then, suddenly, he's here at your table. Looking at nothing and no one besides you, he asks if he can sit with you. With your heart pounding in your ears, you say, "Yes, of course," and your smile is as wide as an ocean, and he's just so cool. Waiting for your train home, you have the best conversation of your life. Nice and introductory, but also pleasantly deep with just a hint of romance; flirtation present in both of your voices. And you don't even know his name.

Suddenly, an almost incomprehensible voice comes over the loudspeaker, and you can just make out that your train has arrived. But it's not his. So you gather your things and get in the lind to board, saying a sad goodbye. In the line you see him, still sitting in the seat where you left him. You drop your things, make your way back over to him, and when he notices, another smile leaves his sad expression in the dust. Standing right in front of him, you just look into his eyes & he's doing the same. Two, three, four seconds go by. You ask him his name, he says Daniel, and all of a sudden your lips meet his. His hands are on your waist, neck, cheek, hair, and when you part, you realize that nothing has ever been that perfect.

absence (...whoops!)

Hello everyone who is happening upon my blog right now! I sincerely apologize for my absence as of late. I would say that things have been absolutely insane, but that wouldn't be the entire truth. It'd be half of it, but not the whole thing. Mostly it's just that I've been incredibly lazy & ridden with writer's block. Unable to do almost nothing except schoolwork/studying (occasionally...again, whoops!) and watching things on Netflix (most recently being the rewatching of How I Met Your Mother). So I'm just going to catch you up really quickly!

Since my last post, I have finished reading Mockingjay by Suzanne Collins. Honestly, I think that I didn't quite get what was going on throughout (I intend to reread it), but I did like the way it ended, because it seems that almost no one does (except Paige). After I finished that, I started reading Clockwork Angel by Cassandra Clare, which is the first book in the Infernal Devices series, which is also the prequel series to The Mortal Instruments series. I am almost three-quarters of the way through (according to my Goodreads), and I am really enjoying it! More than I thought I would, actually. But either way, I am loving it and I can't wait to get my hands on the next book, Clockwork Prince! :)

Nextly, things with school are going alright at the moment. It's almost time for my Spring Break though, which means that I get to go HOME! My train home leaves at 6:30 on Friday evening, and I don't have to be back here until the 10th. (Seriously, no one has any idea how PSYCHED I am.) However, it being almost time for a break, that means those dreaded midterms. Last week I had a test in Precalc which went pretty well as far as I know, even though we haven't received grades on those yet. Then, on Tuesday (yesterday, ha), I had an essay exam in my Focused Inquiry class, which is a cognitive thinking class specific to my university in place of English 101, and it sucks. But that's a story for another day! Anyways, I think for the most part the essay exam went alright. Mostly I'm just glad that it's over and I don't have to think about it again...at least until we get them graded and handed back...(seriously, I'm shuddering just thinking about it). But the good news that I got from taking that exam is that we don't have class tomorrow! Which is just wonderful.

Continuing on the subject of exams, I had an Anthropology exam today. On this exam, there were supposed to be 60 multiple choice, 10 fill in the blank and then a choice of three short answer questions. In class, after the exam booklets for the multiple choice and fill in the blank/short answer questions were all handed out, the T.A. realized that she had accidentally copied some of the multiple choice booklets with the answers in them. So my professor says, "Well, you guys get a Spring Break treat: You only have to take the fill in the blank portion of the exam!" Any normal person would probably be psyched about this, however, I am not normal, nor did I do a ton of studying for this exam (I started yesterday), so I was kind of pissed off! I was thinking that without the multiple choice section I would do a lot worse because I would actually have choices, that the answer would have to be there. But I didn't get that. Ugh. Although, on the brighter side, the professor sent out an email later saying that there would be a m.c. test on Blackboard starting on Friday at noon until the Wednesday after Spring Break! So that's wonderful & I am DEFINITELY taking advantage of that. :)

I know, I know, I keep talking about Spring Break and you all are probably thinking "Well, what are you doing for it!?" (You're probably not asking that, but that's okay.) WELL, dear readers, over Spring Break, I am planning on doing almost absolutely nothing. Nothing but relaxing and sleeping in the midst of some crazy renovation preparations. (And I mean crazy.) There will definitely be some visiting of my high school, and lots of delicious food & people to see (hehe). I am terribly excited, so I just figured that I would share it with you!

And that's all for me right now. I hope you all are out there being lovely and doing great things. And always listening to some good music & hanging out with terrific people. Keep on keepin' on.

<3

books & books

So as it can be seen here, I have a goal this year to read twenty books. I know that this may not seem like a lot of books, but considering I'm a first year college student and there's a lot of work that comes along with that, I figured it'd be a nice goal to have.

Reading is one of my absolute favorite things to do, ever. In high school, I was hardly ever caught without a book in my bag or in my hands, and sometimes I was even reading during my walk to & from classes. But at the end of the last school year and over the summer, I was severely lacking in the amount of books I was reading. Mostly I was just rereading old favorites, which is nice, but there are so many fantastic books out there that must be read. So this is my goal for the year, and maybe (hopefully) the amount of books in next year's goal will be more.

This far into the game, I've read five books (well, six if you count one that I started at the end of 2012 and finished after the new year). They are:

1. Do Androids Dream of Electric Sheep? by Philip K. Dick

This is a book that I had to read for my Focused Inquiry 2 class. For the most part, I did find it interesting. However the fact that I had to read it and take note of all of the characters, vocabulary and write chapter summaries made it infinitely less appealing (as I think it would for everyone). 

2. Dash & Lily's Book of Dares by Rachel Cohn & David Levithan

Okay, well I'm not actually sure if this one counts, considering I had already read it before. BUT I DID READ IT IN THE YEAR 2013, so there's no denying that and it's going on my "read" list.

3. The Hunger Games by Suzanne Collins

This book, I feel, was a long time coming. For the longest time I could not get myself to pick it up, simply because it was "too popular" (yes, I was that person), but one day I found myself at a Barnes & Noble. I saw it there and it was $9, so I said to myself, "Why not?" Once I finally read it, though, I couldn't put it down. I finished it within 24-hours of starting it, and I was way more pleased with it than I thought I would be. So much in fact, that I almost immediately ordered Catching Fire. 

4. The Marriage Plot by Jeffrey Eugenides

This is another one of those books where I found myself at the bookstore thinking, "Why not?" So I bought it, and honestly? I was extremely disappointed. I'm not sure why I wanted to read this book so badly, but I did not like it. Since I had heard a lot of good things about Eugenides, I figured why not try this book out? It took me a little bit over a week to finish this book, and that felt like eons. 

5. Catching Fire by Suzanne Collins

Alright, here's the second one that I know you've been waiting for. I thoroughly enjoyed this book, as well. I remember back in May (or somewhere around there, I really don't remember), one of my friends was picking up the series for the first time, and said that she enjoyed the first book, but the second one just felt like a repeat of it. I completely disagree. While they share similar aspects, I don't think that the two are very similar at all. 

As for what I'm currently reading, there are two books. Mockingjay by Suzanne Collins (which, honestly, is my main priority), and Julie & Julia by Julie Powell, which I've been wanting to read since I saw the movie (but I'll put more about these once I've finished them!). 

So, there you go. Your little peek into my world of books and opinions on them, with guest appearances by short reviews. There will be more in the future, so stay tuned for that! 

Ta-ta for now! :)

days turned right side up

You know, for a day that didn't start out the greatest, it sure didn't end up too badly!

Let's start from the beginning: I woke up. Granted, that part wasn't too terrible, because 1) My first class is at eleven am, and 2) My alarm goes off at nine forty-five (which is not bad, not bad at all). So that was not how the morning started off badly. Well, I take that back.

Part of my dream last night involved my ex-boyfriend, who is still in high school & who I also no longer talk to. However, that is a story for another day, or possibly not at all. Anyhow, that was the main reason why morning started off not well. Having him in my dream just pissed me off to no end, because it didn't make sense why he was there in the first place.

Then, while getting ready for class, I'm putting on my makeup. Eyeliner, concealer-type stuff for under my eyes, and I decide to go a little crazy and put on some red lipstick (daring, I know). So, I put some on. Then I close the tube and blot, decide I need a little bit more, and when I open the tube (not different from any other time I've opened it by the way), the whole freakin' lipstick detaches itself and pretty much jumps out of it and lands on the counter. I was not happy about this for a few reasons, and they are: 1) This tube of lipstick was $26. Now, I don't usually spend this much on makeup of any kind, but I had a gift card (which I forgot to use on the purchase, stupidly), and I had wanted it for a while, because I wanted a red lipstick & I like the brand. And 2) This was only about the third time I'd ever worn it. So I just grumble about, put the lipstick back into the tube and put it on my shelf, finishing my getting ready portion of the day more than a little frustrated.

Add in the fact that there were supposed to be tests in choir on how well we knew our parts, and I was not a happy camper.

So I continued to go to my first class. Then to the dining hall because hungry. Ate a chicken patty (which made me slightly happier) and some cereal, then went back to the room to practice my part in Haydn's freakin' Mass. Seriously, that thing is crazy long and we have to know ALL of it.

After practicing, it came time to actually go to choir. When I got there, I was sitting in my seat going over my part in my head when some guy gets up from his seat a row back and sits next to me in the empty seat beside me. He says, "Are you in Anthropology? At four?" I was startled, so I just said, "Yeah..." We then proceed to talk about what the assignment actually was that was due on Monday, and the class in general. Then he asked me what I was in choir for, for fun or for a major, and I said that I was Undeclared and I missed choir (though not at that moment, because Mass). He said he was a guitar major and had to take the choir for four semesters, and that this semester was his last one. At the end of our relatively short conversation, he said, "My name's Stephen, by the way." "I'm Tess, nice to meet you." He started to say something, then stopped. Then, "I was gonna say see you from a distance later, but that would be creepy." I laughed and he sat down.

I don't know, guys. It was a weird little moment, but that was the first time anyone's just come up and started talking to me. It felt nice to be noticed, I guess, because I'm not, usually. So, needless to say that made my day a little brighter. (Along with the fact that the instructor thought we did better than on Monday and decided not to make us get up and sing by ourselves, hooray!)

After that it was just a normal day. I got an iced Caramel Macchiato from Starbucks, on which they wrote a name that looks nothing like mine, walked back to the dorm and pretty much just waited until Anthropology. I saw him there, but I don't know if he saw me because we were all the way across the room from each other. Plus, I was looking.

So that's how my day flipped from being dreadful to not bad at all. It's the little things, guys. Remember that, and you'll be golden.

Stay excellent. :)

P.S. I also got a box-full of twinkle lights & snacks from my parents, so that wasn't a bad thing either.

an introduction of sorts

Hello to whoever finds themselves stumbling upon this blog, here.

This is the blog that I am (hopefully) going to be keeping up with about every week or so. I am going to post, most likely, about what's going on in my life, what books I'm reading, etc., etc. I am going to start off with introducing myself some...

My name is Tess and I am currently a freshman in college, no major declared as of yet. Here is my face:

(Hard to believe that picture was taken on my cell phone, right?)

I love to read; in high school I was rarely caught without my nose in a book, or a book in my bag. The most recent series that I've gotten into would be The Hunger Games series, which I am enjoying a lot more than I thought that I would. (My friends had tried to get me to read them earlier, like last year, but I was just so stubborn that I didn't even pick on up until January.) I also am constantly watching movies and TV shows, and listening to music. 

There are currently a lot of books on my to-read list, which you can find: here, where you can also find what books I've already read and what I'm currently reading (even though I'll most likely end up sharing that here as well). Next up on that list: Mockingjay by Suzanne Collins. 

So here is my so-long for now, and I will catch up with you guys soon. I hope you're well and smiling, as you should be.