songs & love & AGH

The bed’s getting cold and you’re not here

The future that we hold is so unclear

—from The Heart Wants What it Wants, Selena Gomez

Tossing, turning, struggled through the night with someone new

And I could go on and on, on and on

Lantern Burning, flickered in my mind for only you

But you’re still gone, gone, gone

—from This Love, Taylor Swift

I said, “No one has to know what we do,”

His hands are in my hair, his clothes are in my room

And his voice is a familiar sound, nothing lasts forever

…

You see me in hindsight

Tangled up with you all night

 Burnin’ it down

Some day when you leave me

I bet these memories follow you around

—from Wildest Dreams, Taylor Swift

It keeps occurring to me how much experience in life or love or whatever that I just don’t have, especially when it comes to writing something about missing someone…There aren’t an extreme amount of words for the missing, the longing, when it comes to someone that you love (or could have loved), but there seem to be more based on the level of intimacy that you reached with them. Spending days and nights and days and nights together, holding hands with them, kissing them, sleeping next to them, making love to them. But when I want to write about missing someone that I was close to or could have been close to, I always find myself at a loss because maybe I just didn't have enough experiences with that person. 

And it’s not as though I don’t want to do those things, it’s just that there are several blazing factors apparent in my personality that pretty much won’t let me. That sounds ridiculous, and I know that it is, but there are some facets of your personality that you just can’t change.

Now, the listed songs  obviously aren’t the only ones to reference missing someone who once meant a great deal to them, romantically, but these are the ones that I could think of/that I’ve recently listened to. But have you noticed how songs usually make some mention of how lonely the entire bed is when their you isn’t there? Maybe it’s more poetic and heart wrenching that way, but try as they might it’s not always relatable.

(But as a person who’s never had the chance to sleep in a bed with someone significant, I’m just here to say that beds can be damn lonely.)

what would you do if you weren't afraid?

I saw someone on tumblr answer this question as an ask, and y'know...it really stuck with me because I am afraid of everything. AND IT IS SO STUPID!

As I was thinking about it, I came to the conclusion that there are really two ways that you can go about answering this question: 1) Answering it looking toward the past, where you're focused on changing how your life is now...or 2) Answering it in real time, where the things you'd choose to change are relevant to who you are (and what you want) now.

Really, though, answering it the first way doesn't make much sense, because trying to change the past is just plain idiotic, frankly. About a month ago, I wrote a letter of reminders to myself, and in it I wrote something along the lines of, "If you keep trying to go forward while looking back, you're only going to trip." Then again, answering it at all is pretty dumb because it's HARD to not be afraid of stuff. Sometimes, though, thinking about the stuff you'd stop being afraid of if you could is just the thing you need to get over. So I'll answer it the second way.

What would I do if I weren't afraid?

• I would raise my hand in class and say the things I think & answer questions.
• I would go up to the people who look cool and/or interesting to me and I would say hi/introduce myself.
• I would tell the boy I like that I like him, so then either something would happen or it wouldn't. And then I wouldn't be afraid of the latter.
• I would probably be charming and have stuff to say when people said stuff to me. (That's so important to me.)
• I would be able to actually DECIDE if I am where I want to be/if I want to move somewhere else...and then I would do it.
• I would travel to all of the places on my own and not be freaked out by getting lost or making little mistakes. I'd embrace them. 
• I would write and play the guitar in public, not worrying about people thinking I sound bad or staring at me and I would be GREAT.
• And then...so much more.

What would you do if you weren't afraid? What are you afraid of?

I should just stop apologizing.

...because it has become extremely evident that there is not any sort of schedule on which I rely to write on this blog. Because several months go by in between EVERY. SINGLE. POST. Which is dumb, but it's how it works in college, heh.

I believe the last time I wrote anything it was at the beginning of 2014, aka the beginning of the previous semester. And that, while it ended very well, began relatively poorly. I was taking the very, very last of my Gen-Ed requirements, which included taking a stupid, writing intensive English class & a class called Energy! (with the exclamation point), which was just dumb. But then again, that semester also included the best class I've taken so far at VCU, which was Crime & Science (also a Gen-Ed requirement, but much better), & also it held the class that essentially put me into my major, Intro to Criminal Justice. I am now majoring in Criminal Justice with a concentration in Forensic Crime Scene Investigation and this semester, I am diving into it, headfirst.

This semester I am taking Intro to Policing, Intro to Corrections, Sociology of Deviant Behavior, & Principles of Crime Scene Investigation. And this is the first semester that I've been in college where I have felt truly excited to be in these classes and learn from these professors. It takes an incredible amount of courage for me to come out and say this, because it makes me admit how...unhappy I'd been my previous four semesters here. (And that's not something that I'm very good at admitting. To anyone.)

So, here we go! On this crazy adventure ride that is college and actually having a major, and hopefully this semester will be my best one yet. (Fingers crossed for me, and for all you other students out there. Let's have the most wonderful times.)

In other news, however, Saturday is my 20th birthday. So party on.

well, well, well...

...would ya look at that! It's been incredibly too long since I last wrote anything on this blog.

I do apologize for the long absence, especially since there really isn't any good reason for it. So, I will do my damnedest to catch y'all up on what's been happening in my life. Ready, go.

OKAY, let's see! Well, since my last post (in May, whoops...), I finished my first year in college & moved back home for the summer. I spent the majority of my time back home working as a hostess, which is something that I detest more than most things. Throughout the summer, though, I got to re-establish friendships with people from high school, however not as often as I'd liked. Around mid-July, I got my second tattoo of an arrow, and I ended the month with a fresh pixie cut. When the beginning of August rolled around, it was time for me to move into my first apartment with a friend of mine, made from the previous school year. Overall, the experience was a lot easier than I'd expected, especially the transition, considering my parents couldn't stay for long that day. Getting back in the swing of things in terms of school & classes was the most difficult thing, especially since I was still getting my gen-eds out of the way, with my worst & most draining one being this past fall. But the months just kept going by faster and faster, and before I knew it, here I was: a second-semester sophomore in college. (And I bet you can guess that Starbucks played a large part in getting me through this past semester.)

Thankfully, here I am. No worse for the wear, & definitely starting this semester off on a better note than the previous one. Well, for the most part at least. (Seriously though, who doesn't have hardships & tough times? I definitely have my fair share...) This semester, I am taking classes I'm actually interested in; go figure, right?

While I still am making my way through a couple more gen-eds, I am also starting to take classes for the major I'm thinking about declaring this year. It's gonna be a fun, scary, interesting, and totally worth it semester, I think. I hope. So...here goes nothing.

Hope you all are doing beautifully. (I'll certainly see what I can do in terms of making time to post on here more!)

these days...

Oh, man, you guys, these days lately have just been moving so quickly. I'm finding it really difficult to believe that I'm almost finished with my first year of college. I mean, can you believe it!? I do not, in any way shape or form, feel old enough for this. Add in the fact that I signed a lease for an apartment last week, and I just feel too young for this to actually be my life.

I would say that everything's been absolutely crazy, but that's not necessarily true. I mean, yes, I have spent the last two days in the library studying for my Anthropology exam that's tomorrow, but honestly there really isn't any excuse for me not posting on here more. What it is, though, is that I just haven't had anything that I wanted to share here lately. There has been nothing in my life that I felt needed to be put into paragraphs that aren't in my journals. I suppose that my mind has been other places, not wanting to focus on any one thing for too long. I haven't finished a book for about a month, not even one that I've read before; I just can't keep my head in one place enough to complete one.

Something that has been on my mind is how much I want to love someone. I know, that sounds so cliché, but it's something that I want and it's the only thing I can't take my mind off of. That's what happens, I suppose, when you spend the majority of your time watching sappy love movies & tv shows. This is probably not a good thing, but I can't not, you know?

Overall, I have to say that things have been alright in my life. I got to see my sister (and her husband!) twice this weekend, which was super great, because I haven't seen them in way too long, since they moved to South Carolina. But I got to have lunch & coffee with them on Friday with some of my friends as well, and then again today! I just love and miss them so, so much. Also, there's the fact that I get to go back home soon; on Friday evening my parents are comin' down to get me and move me out of my dorm. I just need to get through the next five days, which is definitely doable. Most definitely. When I get home is a whole other matter, though, because then I have to look for a job. Major bummer.

I'm pretty sure this is all for now, but I will be catching you guys up more often once finals week is over & I'm home for the summer. Hopefully there will be more adventures and things, because god knows I sure do need some. My life is so goddamn boring, and I'm trying to work on fixing that.

I hope y'all are doing well and that you're getting everything you need outta life. Stay golden, Ponyboy.

<3

things to remember

Last night I posted this picture to my Instagram, tumblr & Facebook profiles. For reasons that I will explain, I put aside so many of my insecurities and just things that I've been keeping to myself to put this up because I think that these are things that everyone needs to know & remember.

In light of recent events in Boston, I was reading everything that people were posting about the fact that even though something absolutely horrid happened that was caused by one (possibly more than one) person, there were still an amazingly high number of people that were & are helping out. Giving power for people to charge their phones, giving blood for the incredible number of people who were injured in the explosions, etc. It's important to remember in every bad situation that has happened, and may happen in the future, that even though one person caused that situation doesn't mean the entire world is an absolutely horrid place. The actions of one person does not decide the actions of the rest of the world; in fact, the actions of one person may inspire the world to lend a helping hand in whatever the person did.

Throughout my life, I have had pretty low self-esteem. I felt like I was fat and I always compared how I looked to how other's looked, how I thought I was "supposed" to look. So, yesterday I got a letter from one of my pen pals, Codi, and she was writing to me about love and all of the complications that come with it, and just the amount of time you have to spend getting to know & love yourself before you can fully love someone else and have a real & good relationship with them. And the way she phrased everything just made me stop and think: because I want love so badly, should I really forsake feeling good about & loving myself just to love someone else? In the end, you are the only person you have; everyone else is temporary. So writing that down & posting it makes it feel like more of a statement and a commitment that I have to and want to keep.

(Okay, so yesterday was just an all around interesting day, because) I watched a video that Dove posted on their website. (You can find the video: here.) They hired an FBI trained forensic artist that sketched what women described themselves as looking like, and then also sketched what random strangers described them as looking like. This video really, really stuck with me, because it goes right along with trying to find myself beautiful & my self-esteem issues. The entire point of this video, is that, inevitably, you will not see yourself as as beautiful as others will. And that makes me really sad for all of the incredibly beautiful women & men, too, that I have the honor of knowing, because they can't really see just how beautiful they are. So it's an important thing to know that you are beautiful, even if you don't necessarily see yourself that way, because someone does see you that way.

"no one is 100% okay
(AND THAT'S OKAY)" is something that I have come to understand recently. It's always good to remember that nothing is as it seems, especially when it comes to how people look or even act. People hide behind the walls that they built because it's too painful for them not to. People shield themselves to prevent future pain. So whenever you see someone that seems to have it all under control, stop for a moment before you feel jealous of them and then insecure about you, and remember that they are fighting their own private battles.

To remember that I am loved is actually one of the most difficult things in my life. The only times I really think that I'm loved is when I'm with my family, or when people are actually showing me or telling me that they love me. However, when I'm alone in my room or feeling sad & can't really get any words out, that's when I need the reminder. And the thing is, I am loved. I have so many phenomenal people in my life that I don't know what I would do without, but there are just moments. Moments when I'm hearing nothing from the friends that I miss the most or from the people who I think I'm the closest with and really want to hang out with, and I just don't do anything because I'm too scared that I'll be bothering them and they won't want to hang out with me anyway. Sometimes, though, you just have to move past that and reach out, because it's possible that the people that you miss will miss you too, and the reminder that you love them will be much, much appreciated.

This last one, I feel, is probably the most important thing. Last week I watched two videos. One was by Meekakitty (link: here), called "On Empathy // RE: On Being Ugly", which was a video response to a video by karakamos (link: here), called "On Being Ugly". These are two very emotional, powerful and inspiring videos that I'm very, very glad that I watched. The main point that stuck with me throughout watching both of them, is what I wrote in the list above:
"it's not about telling someone they're beautiful when they say they aren't
(IT'S ABOUT UNDERSTANDING & TELLING THEM YOU UNDERSTAND & BEING THERE FOR THEM)"
This is possibly the truest statement I have ever heard. When I was talking to one of my friends last week, I was commenting on the fact that there is fat over where "abs" should be, and she immediately said, "Tess, you're not fat!" I was not saying that I was fat, I was merely stating the fact that there is fat on my body, and more than I want there to be. Just telling someone that they are beautiful when they say they aren't does not actually help at all. What helps more is making sure the person knows that you understand and that you're there for them, because that's pretty much all they want. Or at least, that's what I want.

This is an obscenely long post, but I hope it helped at least some of you. I hope you (whoever is reading this) are doing well, because I sincerely think that you deserve to be.

<3

yet another absence

Hey, guys.

Lately, things have just been crazy in all sorts of ways. Looking for an apartment for next year, homework, attempts at socializing, etc. But mostly I think the reason for my absence has been a lack of things to say. I feel as though everyone around me, or at least most people, has something to say, something to add to every conversation. But I just don't. I've never been good at piping up in conversations, even in ones that are about me. Do you know what I mean? 

Today, though, I received a package from one of my favorite human beings, Codi Ann, which, in addition to a letter, included this month's 'What's Mine Is Yours' book. A lot of the things written in this book, I didn't even know I was feeling. Since I got it today, I haven't finished reading it all, but I've read a fair amount of it. After reading several pages, I texted her saying, "I don't understand how you know what's in my brain, what I'm feeling, before I do." And then in another message a few minutes later, I said "...It's like you have preordered what's in my brain & it's arrived to you early." The things that she writes just hit so close to home, sometimes it's hard to think about. (This lady is so wise beyond her years, I don't think you'd believe me if I told you how old she is.)

Honestly, I'm not quite sure what exactly the point of this post was. I guess I just wanted to make sure you knew I was still alive, so here we are. I promise that the next post I make will be within this month (maybe even the week, we'll see!), and will be better than this. 

I hope you all are doing well, because you deserve to be. Ask anyone. 

<3